Meet "The Investigative Journalist"

For those of you who read this more than once by accident you may remember my email conversation I had with Christwire writer, and fraud, Stephenson Billings. If I didn't make it clear before Christwire is complete satire, but they try hard to make it seem like they are true fundamentalists. This is why I emailed Stephenson again. When I asked him how he felt about me naming a new drug device after him he said:

"Hello dope fiend,

I am saddened to hear you are still addicted to pot, even at your age. I'm sure your poor mother cries every night over your failure to achieve anything in life. How many years have you been at UNH? Six? Eight? I hear most students don't graduate in less than a decade they're in such a stupor. Well, the cold weather is my only consolation. You must be freezing up there in that hellish little corner of Canada South. Good luck with your homework and please don't name any more narcotic apparatuses after me.

Stephenson Billings, Investigative Journalist"

This is why I have decided to name my new vape "The Investigative Journalist." I think it will have a great impact on future blog posts. Maybe like a summary of events about what goes on after breaking out The Investigative Journalist. Last night my roommate and I decided to test this idea. So after we "vaped' (remember it is not smoking) we decided to play some video games, MLB The Show 2009 to be exact. After realizing that all three base umpires was the same guy (this really freaked us out, we thought he was spying on us) we began to nickname some of the players on the Red Sox. Luckily I wrote them down, here are a few of the best ones:

• Mike Lowell- The Dirty Cigar (he's Cuban)
• Jed Lowrie- The Antelope (Lowrie->Logan Airport->planes->plains->Antelope)
• Jacoby Ellsbury- Squanto McGahee (He's a Native American and fast like Willis McGahee)
• Dustin Pedrioa- The Steamroller (he packs a punch)
• Jason Bay- Roswell (he looks like an alien)
• Tim Wakefield - William Takefield (purely awesome)

During the game I turned a triple play and I feel that it is extremely important to add that I won. I didn't write anything else, but next time I'll try to take better notes.

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Mail Room Drug Bust

So earlier this week Fed Ex intercepted a suspicious package and tipped off the police. While the package was in the mailroom an undercover cop was disguised as a mailroom employee and three other plain-clothed cops were in the MUB computer store. When a student arrived to pick up the package he was placed under arrest. The package contained an ounce of marijuana. I must admit that is some pretty good work from Fed-Ex, police and the university. What type of kid is stupid enough to try and mail weed or get it through the mail? Even if it was some potent California medical herb that is not worth the risk. Some people just make me wonder.

I was tipped off by an awesome reader, thanks!

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Dart Games

This is what happens when you combine a lot of alcohol, a vaporizer (YES!) and some darts. In this video I am holding all the objects, and some how I was never hit by a dart. If that isn't luck I don't know what is. The kid throwing the darts was about 8-10 feet away. The last video clip is kind of blurry, much like our vision around that time...

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Kegerators: I want one.

Friday was my brother's birthday, so being the awesome brother I am, I gave my hockey ticket to a friend and went to the party in Portsmouth. I knew I was making the right choice, and I can now confirm that I did. Sure the hockey team won, but I can say that my night involved a kegerator and Mr. Guilty. (No asshole, Mr. Guilty was not a stripper, but it did have a warning for shooting fireballs.)

Weed, fire, ninja missions, fireworks and a kegerator full of PBR will never lead to dull night. And we definitely proved that to be true. So I'm going to skip all of the less awesome parts of the night when darts, Celtics, Bruins and and sing-along jam sessions were the main forms of entertainment.

"Learn to drink like a pro" motherfuckers.

Around one am, after I ate an entire medium pizza, my brother's roommate informed me that we needed to lead a ninja mission. We gathered and headed for the freight train tracks. There were only 6 of us who dared to make the trek to the Portsmouth fire pond to light off Mr. Guilty and friends. It took about 30 minutes to walk the tracks from just outside downtown to past the hospital. One kid kept trying to use GPS and Google maps on his cellphone. What type of ninja not only uses GPS and maps, but also gives up his location to the government? Minus 5 ninja points for him. Plus 2 for me for calling out his poor ninjaship. At 1:25 I tweeted "Being un-ninja like" because we were being way too loud. A few minutes later we decided that ninja rule number 2 is that you can never be in the same spot for more than 2 seconds. I'm not sure what the first rule was, and I think we had a 3rd rule that we established later. The believe the 3rd rule is that you must never take the same path both ways, so we made a loop. At roughly 2:07 am we reached the fire pond. I know this because I texted "Ports fire pond. Fireworks. Middle of woods. Off railroad tracks." to three friends. It was time for Mr. Guilty:

At 2:30 I tweeted that I felt like I was in the movie "Stand by Me." Which is a great fucking movie by the way. We returned to the apartment around 3am and I was upset to learn the guy-on-couch positions 1 and 2 were both taken, but the floor seemed soft enough.

Bottom line is that fireworks kick ass. And so do ninja missions.

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Like a Pro: General Education Courses

"Like a Pro" can be found in the Tuesday (bonus Friday post) issues of TNH. This is the unedited and cut blog version of the column.

Students at UNH will soon be picking their classes for the spring 2010 semester and I have decided to give some advice on the general education courses I have taken. Please remember that classes may differ depending on the professor, but usually the level of difficulty remains the same. 

Math 420 (Finite Math) If you took discrete math in high school this class will be very easy. Most of the grade is based on three exams, with quizzes and homework making up a smaller portion. The homework usually doesn't take more than 15-25 minutes and the quizzes are easy if you attend the lectures. The exams can be hard because they cover a lot, but attending lectures and doing the homework will keep you from having to stay up all night studying. 

Psych 401 (Intro to Psychology) I was in 200-person lecture that was based on four exams (20% each) attendance (15%) and the last 5% was for participation in an out of class study by a psych major. The lectures basically outline the book chapter by chapter, and they are actually pretty interesting. This class is easy as long as you take decent notes and attend the lectures.

Polt 401 (Politics and Society) This is by far the worse class I have ever taken in my entire life. It revolves around reading political philosophy including Plato, Socrates, Aristotle, Machiavelli, Hobbes, Locke, Rousseau, among others. The three exams make up most of the grade, so one poor grade can be hard to recover from. I had Professor Haight who was very enthusiastic but was not that clear when interpreting the readings during the lectures. I taught myself more the day before the final by using online resources (wikipedia and spark notes) than I learned all semester. I would not recommend this to a non-major. The class average of our first exam was a 55%. 

Hist 406 (Modern US History) I actually really enjoyed this class. It started out slow but once we got to the 1920's and on it became really interesting. My class had three 2-page papers with a third larger paper on a historical novel plus the midterm and final. There was also a 10% attendance grade so if you are one to skip classes I would not recommend this class. If you can write decent essays this class should be an easy B or higher.

Hist 421 (Ancient Civilizations Pre 16th Century) I had Professor Couser who described this class as being an “easy C with a few B’s and fewer A’s.”  In my section we didn't take one test or quiz and it was completely based on essays and participation in discussions. Even the midterm and final were take home essays and if you use notes from the lectures they are actually pretty easy. If your good at writing solid analysis papers in 3-5 pages this class should be easy. 

Mirc 407 (Germs 101) Germs is a highly requested class here at UNH because it is very easy and it can actually be quite interesting. This class does involve some “busy work,” especially the group projects, which feel like a huge waste of time. I would recommend this class because it definitely helps out the old GPA. Germs in a nutshell: wash your hands. Did I mention there are no exams?

NR 435 (Contemporary Conservation Issues) This class is taught by Professor Bill Mautz, who is arguably one of the best professors on campus. 435 is a very easy environmental science class that basically covers everything form Al Gore’s movie “An Inconvenient Truth” and much more. Although the lectures can be boring and the exams are hard, one-page essays and blackboard quizzes that can be retaken make for an easy “A.”

ESci 501 (Intro to Oceanography) This class revolves around 4 exams worth 20% each and a lab grade worth 20%. The exams are not too hard and the labs are pretty easy. Plus you get to go on a boat, but compared to other science general education courses this class can be more challenging. I found oceanography to be the most interesting science I have taken, but compared to Germs and NR it was also the hardest.

MUSI 401 (Intro to Music) This class is boring, but should fill up your fine arts general education requirement without too much trouble. As long as you keep track of the quiz dates this a great class to take if you like to skip class. Most of the quizzes are identifying certain songs that are found on CD’s that come with the book. Professor Urquhart is very enthusiastic about this subject, but it seems as though he would prefer to be teaching music majors.

Latin 401/2 (Intro to Latin) If you are required to take a language I highly recommend Latin. All three of the intro professors are very helpful. The best thing about Latin is that it is not spoken, so you do not have to worry about performing in front of your classmates.

Stay classy, not UMassy

National Go to Class Drunk Day

Today, the third Thirsty Thursday of November, is national go to class drunk day. Therefore I am writing this post after a few Roman cokes. I hope that doesn't show too bad...
 I have also been watching the show "Weeds" lately, in fact I am hooked on it. It is fucking awesome. So this post will be dedicated to me rambling about weed and how I like it and why I think it should be legal. I will try to avoid of sounding too hippy or liberal, because quite honestly I am actually pretty independent with my political views.
First, I should state that I actually don't smoke that much. Usually just once every few weeks, but I still support the legalization of it. Abraham Lincoln once said "Prohibition makes a crime out of things that are not crimes." George Washington once wrote, "make the most you can of the Indian hemp seed. Sow it everywhere." And this guy was a douche.
Think of the possibilities if government could tax legal marijuana cigarettes. This probably won't happen for a long time, if ever, because of the pull of pharmaceutical companies on politics. It is the same way as the oil companies have a hold on environmental policies and "bribe" companies (cough GM): 



Legalizing marijuana would eliminate the need for the dozens of pain killers, anxiety and depression medications and other pills that currently are prescribed to thousands millions of Americans. Even though legalization would probably be a good thing, businesses throughout the country would face severe profit loss, which is a major issue preventing the legalization of marijuana.


Here is a first hand experience that I believe I have shared before briefly, but I feel it is necessary to restate. A week after I graduated high school I went down to Children's Hospital in Boston for some major jaw surgery. The surgery took eight hours and when I finally came through I was put on oxycontin. I had (and still do have) four metal plates in my upper jaw and at the time I needed medication for the pain. Although I was extremely happy with the results, the following few days would be the most miserable time of my life. Every time I took a pill I would start puking my brains out (which hurt like hell because my fucking jaw was broken in four places) and then pass out and have crazy dreams. I ended up flushing the pills down the toilet and getting Tylenol. It didn't help the pain as much, but at least I wouldn't be puking my brains out. If I could have had marijuana, this experience would have been so much easier. I couldn't chew for about six weeks, at least if I had some legal pot I could have skipped the pain and puking stages.



Marijuana is a natural plant. Just like tobacco. It is more natural, and has less severe effects, than alcohol. I think that it is time we educate our neighbors, and realize the facts. It may take a while, but if we take baby steps, and one step at a time, it can be done.

We all know (or at least should know) that Presidents Clinton, Bush and Obama have all admitted to smoking marijuana. They probably did more than that too, it is a fact that Bush enjoyed a little cocaine during his days at Yale. This is a picture of Bill and Hillary Clinton:

Does this really need an explanation?

While campaigning Obama was asked if he inhaled when he smoked pot and he replied "Isn't that the point?"


Stay classy, not UMassy.

The Dorm Survey

Seriously, how fun is it to fill out those dorm surveys? I had the opportunity to do so on Monday night and I took full advantage of it. You may think I'm joking but I don't think I've ever been more truthful on this blog than right now.
 The first page on the survey was asking about "active bystanding." Obviously if you read my column about the campus assaults you know I have strong feelings about this topic. But I fail to see how living in my dorm has taught me anything about active bystanding... because I already learned everything about it in fucking middle school.
 Why the fuck do these dorms try to waste our time (and money) by trying to "teach" us this stupid bullshit about things that we learned in 7th grade? I decided I wasn't going to bullshit my answers like 90% of people who say "I learned not to let my friends get away with racist jokes or I broke up a fight." No you didn't so shut the fuck up and give me a break. On my survey, when answering a question about what I have learned about active bystanding from living in my dorm I wrote something along the lines of:
"Nothing. I learned about active bystanding before college. It should be common sense for people our age and if they are too immature to realize this a this point  they probably never will. I'm sorry, but this is true. It is just a waste of time."
If I come off as sounding like a douche, I understand and I don't give a fuck. It is all bullshit! I just want to live in a room and be left the fuck alone so I can study and get drunk. Stop trying to teach me bullshit, that is what classes are for.
Speaking of getting drunk...
The last page of the survey was on my favorite subject: alcohol. So after saying how great my RA is for not constantly bugging the shit out of me I got to learn a little more about  my drinking habits. I will now share them with you:

I drink alcohol: yes

How many nights a week do you party: 3 (I consider drinking in my room by myself a party.)

When at a party, how many alcoholic drinks do you usually have? A drink is considered to be a 12 oz beer, 4 oz wine or a shot of liquor:  7-8 (Keyword is party. They didn’t specify pre-gaming or numerous parties in a night. I'm very observant. Although, I wish I answered the max on these.)

How many drinks in a week: 16-20 (I have no idea so I put the 2nd highest. I mean I'm not an alcoholic.)

During this school year, how many times have you experienced the following due to YOUR drinking:

• Had a hangover: 2 (Don’t ask how, some people are just less susceptible)
• Peformed poorly on a test or project: 0 (I separate work from play.)
• Been in trouble: 0 (I'm the fucking New Hampshirite... knock on wood.)
• Got into argument or fight: 0 (Not counting debates. Arguments and debates are different.)
• Missed a class: 0 (Although once I was drunk in class.)
• Had memory loss: I put 3, but I really don't remember...
• Did something I later regretted: 0 (Last year I started this blog.)
• Been hurt or injured: 0 (not physically...)

Personally I was a little upset there weren't similar questions involving weed...

Stay classy, not UMassy.

Like a Pro: The Internet

"Like a Pro" can be found in the Tuesday issues of the UNH student newspaper "The New Hampshire." This is the original, uncut, and unedited version.

Over the past two months and a half I have realized that there is something far worse for college students than alcohol, drugs and violence. The internet. Coming from someone who writes a blog on a daily basis that should be a pretty mind bending statement. Even when dismissing adult-content websites the internet is full of web pages that are causing students to become distracted from reality. Let me start with the most basic of all websites.

Google. I ask you to open the Google and in the search bar type “do m.” Take a gander at what the first Google suggestion is. Spoiler alert: Google suggests, “Do midgets have night vision?” Now if I wanted to look up “do molecules make up compounds” I would become overly distracted with midgets and what they can and cannot do. Lately, people have been complaining about the ladybugs on campus. So you try Google searching “how can I kill ladybugs” but as you type the “I” in kill Google suggests “my baby.” Is that search really that common, or is Google trying to tell us something about overpopulation? I declare that Google is ruining our ability to finish our own thoughts and therefore is leading to the downfall of college students everywhere. (Here are some others):

If you are still not convinced that Google is taking over the world then take a look at Google trends, which records the top Google searches over a period of time. None of the top searches have to do with anything important. Google is conditioning us to ignore the real issues by throwing superhero midgets in our faces. By the way, the two founders of Google were recently voted the fifth most powerful people in the world.

Whoa, hold on a second, Ashton Kutcher just tweeted about this really inspirational video and I have to watch it. Okay, I guess that brings me to Twitter. Twitter can be very efficient if it is used to follow different news outlets. This way you can get all of your headlines from various websites on the same page. Oh wait a second, Jimmy Fallon just tweeted that he drinks Smartwater during Late Night; I need to go try some. Alright, I will now describe why 90% of the people on Twitter use it: Twitter is perfect for people who are bored of stalking friends from high school on Facebook. Now these people can stalk famous celebrities. If you didn’t notice, I just described Twitter in exactly 140 characters.
 (PS: Today I tweeted former UNH and NFL football player Jerry Azumah and asked him "What is your favorite memory of playing at UNH?" Less than an hour later he replied "Jr year at W&M breaking the all time rushing record D1AA!" That was awesome.) 

Many professors complain about Wikipedia, but I think that they are just jealous that it was not around for them. Wikipedia is possibly the greatest website ever created. I have nothing bad to say about it. For all you haters about Wikipedia being inaccurate, user generated material; it has actually been scored to be equally as accurate as Encyclopedia Britannica. I use it for almost every assignment in every class, and I always use it when professors say not to. Wikipedia is the perfect place to begin research on any topic before diving in blindly at the library. Using Wikipedia for research used to be my game, but that changed when I discovered that I could study using Sporcle.

 For those of you who have yet to discover possibly the greatest procrastination website ever, Sporcle consists of thousands of quizzes and trivia about anything and everything. Sporcle is trivia is to someone who watches Jeopardy like crack is to a crack addict. Not only to I watch Jeopardy, I have the videogame. If Alex Trebek narrated Sporcle, I would probably never make it to class. So what if I am a history major and I cannot name every US President? I can name all 25 members of the 2004 Red Sox World Series Team.

 Yeah, I wasn't fucking joking.

If Sporcle fails to cure your ADD or procrastination needs, try StumbleUpon. This website allows users to literally stumble aimlessly throughout the World Wide Web. Simply click the Stumble button and you will jump to a new website based off a personalized interest survey. If the new website does not float your boat, just keep on stumbling. I have come across some pretty amazing websites and videos using StumbleUpon, but I have yet to find anything that was actually worth my time. Also, I might have carpal tunnel syndrome from over clicking.

If you haven’t noticed by now all of these websites, while extremely addicting, are just another thing college students have to deal with. They are also something that students 20 years ago did not have. Just remember this quote from the dorm bathroom flyers, “Do it now. Because telling stories about the TV shows you watched while you were in college won't be interesting in five years.” What I'm saying is don't waste these four years stumbling around the world. Go out and do something. 

Stay classy, not UMassy

Cops Douchier than UNH Cops do Exist

So this past weekend police at Colby-Sawyer College arrested 105 kids, 91 of whom were students, for drinking at a party. First of all these kids were stupid for drinking and partying at a house 200 yards away from the police station, but even UNH cops don't arrest every single kid at a party. Usually they just make everyone leave. 55 of the kids were cited for internal possession. How fucking lame is that? Let's fucking face it, kids in college drink alcohol. It's gonna happen. Yes these fucking kids were idiots for choosing that location, but they go to Colby-Sawyer so give them a break. It's not exactly Harvard. I don't understand why people (cough residents of New London) are thinking this is such a fucking travesty. COLLEGE STUDENTS DRINK BEER. As we saw the other day about 73% of UNH students drink. Cops can keep arresting kids for drinking, but it is not going to make a difference. Anyone who says they didn't drink in college is either A) a hypocrite or B) was in the vast minority. I am not saying everyone drinks, but the majority does. Also, I wonder if these cops arrest every single person who speeds through their little fucking town? I mean if you speed, your breaking the law right? As stupid as these kids were, arresting 105 of them is ridiculous and this fucking police chief was obviously on a severe power trip. 20 bucks says that he got picked on in high school and still doesn't have any friends. I bet these fucking cops were just trying to make some quota or something...

Stay classy, not UMassy.

I have one question this morning...

Why is the rum gone? I realize that it is almost 3 in the afternoon, but I'm still calling it morning. Yesterday I was intoxicated from about 2:30 pm until passing out close to 3 this morning. It was a day/night that involved lots of rum, basketball, more rum, weed, more rum, cheesy fries and passing out with my laptop on the top bunk. (I really wanted to watch Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas because it was on Hulu.) I vaguely remember about the first 2 minutes of the movie. I awoke two hours later with the laptop inches from falling. I really lucked out there. I also finally reached one of my all time goals as a UNH student:
Smoking a joint in the middle of the Upper Quad.
 Suck on that RA's and Cops! I win. What's up with that? Are there not enough trees for you to hide behind in the quad? I'll admit it probably wasn't my brightest idea (probably worst idea ever, actually) but still. I win. I think it proves that old saying that the best places to smoke on campus are usually the worst, because if your friend knows about this "awesome spot in the woods" (cough by Stillings or behind Ham Smith) the cops probably (definitely) know about them too. The best places are where kids usually smoke cigarettes because from a distance no one can tell the difference. As long as you keep an eye on the street and are aware of your surroundings it can be done. Just make it quick. Plus, walking out of the woods is probably the most suspicious thing you can do on campus. Honestly though, if you're going to smoke on campus go to a friend's apartment or house or invest in a vaporizer. I also just came across several pictures and videos from last night. I considered posting them but I would rather have friends.

Stay classy, not UMassy.